Author Lily King on Romantic Regret

"Regret is a painful, but universal experience that is especially common as we approach middle age. According to research, the top five most common regrets in life center on education, career, romance, parenting, and the self. Studies suggest that your biggest regrets may be a reflection of the areas of life where you most see a need for change and growth in your life today (Roese, N. J., & Summerville, A., 2005)."

"When it comes to relationships, we are more likely to regret a missed opportunity rather than a rejection, perhaps because we perceive those missed connections as more consequential to our lives (Joel, S., Plaks, J. E., & MacDonald, G., 2017). This motivation to avoid missed relational opportunities may help us to pursue romantic relationships in spite of our fear of rejection."

"For men, inaction, or failing to pursue a romantic possibility, leads to the most intense feelings of regret. Women, on the other hand, report regrets of inaction and action equally. These differences were found only in romantic relationships, not for family or friend relationships. When asked about sex, men reported particularly high levels of regret for inaction, while women reported higher levels of regret for action (Coats, S., Harrington, J. T., Beaubouef, M., & Locke, H., 2012)."

Regret is a common, often painful experience that becomes especially salient approaching middle age. The five most common life regrets involve education, career, romance, parenting, and the self. Regrets often indicate areas where individuals sense a need for change and growth. In relationships, missed opportunities are more regretted than rejection, encouraging pursuit of connections despite fear. Gender differences appear in romantic regrets: men report stronger regret for inaction, women report inaction and action equally, and men regret inaction about sex while women regret actions more. A novel, Heart the Lover, examines unresolved midlife regrets and how youthful choices shape later life.

Read at Psychology Today