"I have my own awful Bill Simmons-style pantheon of Hallmark stars and the various types of Hallmark movies. I have, not to put too fine a point on it, seen things that you people wouldn't believe. I can tell you, but will not tell you, about the people that direct these films. I once saw a movie with a harvest theme in which two characters went on a date to see a band called McBanjo."
"I saw one that Mariah Carey directed. I saw one that was, as far as I could tell, primarily about avalanche safety, but which had a romance grafted onto it so that it could reach a larger audience. I saw one in which Wallace Shawn played an angel. I saw a Hannukah-themed one in which a Jewish character didn't know what a hammer was."
A precise count of Hallmark movies watched is withheld because the total would equal irretrievable weeks spent watching formulaic films. The viewer possesses detailed knowledge of recurring actors, directors, and recognizable movie types within the Hallmark catalogue. Specific examples underscore the films' oddities: a harvest-date to see a band called McBanjo, a Mariah Carey-directed entry, an avalanche-safety plot with a grafted romance, Wallace Shawn as an angel, and a Hanukkah movie where a Jewish character does not recognize a hammer. Most viewings tied to a podcast produced with a friend coexist with a genuine fascination and enjoyment. The films are crafted for casual, inattentive consumption rather than close analysis.
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