"Sometimes we stay in a painful relationship even though we have the power to change or exit it. In childhood, we may have been victims of pain; in adulthood, we may become volunteers for pain. For instance, we might remain in an untenable relationship at home or work, or we keep procrastinating about moving on with our own life. We might maintain this stance because we are holding onto a self-defeating belief in powerlessness."
"We might also be operating on the basis of an unconscious agenda. We might be finding personal advantage in our pain. This is called a "secondary gain" because we are benefiting from what is primarily negative. However, the "benefit" is ultimately not in our best interest. We can ask: "What am I up to?" The answer will usually be fear-based. We may find out that we have a fear of getting on with life as full-fledged adults."
People sometimes stay in painful relationships despite having the power to change or leave. Childhood victims of pain can become adult volunteers for pain by maintaining untenable situations or procrastinating life changes. Holding onto a belief in powerlessness sustains self-defeating behavior. An unconscious agenda can produce a personal advantage in pain, known as a secondary gain, which ultimately harms long-term interests. Asking "What am I up to?" often reveals fear-based motives, such as a fear of becoming a full-fledged adult and avoiding challenges that build self-esteem.
Read at Psychology Today
Unable to calculate read time
Collection
[
|
...
]