"He is consistently calm, available, and responsive while also being good-looking and charming. He is the kind of man she would marry. So, why does she still think of "him," the other guy, who she knows was no good for her? He comes to her in her dreams and at moments when her mind wanders. A part of her thinks they were a perfect match, with an intensity of passion that she doubts she will ever have with another man."
"The key is that our proverbial nice guy, Steady Eddy, is a secure base, but he never activates some people's attachment system. Attachment theory highlights how we seek closeness to our attachment figures when we are anxious, stressed, or frightened. But Steady Eddy is so consistent that you may never have this experience with him. You aren't that excited and don't pursue him because you don't have to... he's already there."
It is common for an idealized past love to persist and create longing despite a stable current relationship. Relational schemas shape partner selection and emotional responses, steering attraction toward familiar patterns. Secure, consistent partners may fail to activate attachment systems because they do not provoke anxiety or need, reducing perceived intensity. Memory processes like the peak-end rule cause intense emotional moments and endings to be disproportionately remembered. Inconsistent and emotionally unbalanced partners produce strong arousal that imprints as passion. Releasing outdated schemas and emotional imprints is necessary to fully engage with and love a present, available partner.
Read at Psychology Today
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