The Fantasy That Quietly Damages Relationships

"We tend to think our inner world is very obvious to those around us and, in particular, to the people with whom we are the closest. Take Monica and Connor Connor tells Monica that he has an unexpected work trip that will conflict with her family coming to town. As Monica processes this news, her stomach tightens, and her shoulders tense. He knows what this weekend means to her and how excited she is to spend time with her family and with Connor. She gives him The Look. Monica is certain that Connor gets it and will get out of the work trip."

"Meanwhile, Conner recalls a heartfelt conversation a few months back where Monica had tremendous empathy for the stress he experiences at work, so he assumes she gets it and understands. Psychology research terms this the "illusion of transparency," where people tend to overestimate the extent to which those around them understand what they are thinking and feeling. A clear example of this is feeling nervous in leading a work meeting and concluding that everyone can see you sweat. Then, after the meeting, people tell you how well you managed it and how calm you seemed."

"The illusion of transparency is strongest in intimate relationships. It is within these close relationships that we really start to think our partners are in our heads and bodies, and understand our intentions, desires, and feelings way more than they actually do. Of course, your partner knows you well, but they have their own inner world and filter"

In close relationships, intimacy can become shaped by recurring assumptions about a partner’s thoughts, feelings, and intentions. People often believe their inner world is obvious to someone they are closest to, even when that person has their own inner world and filters. A common example is the illusion of transparency, where someone assumes others can see what they are thinking or feeling. In the example, Monica expects Connor to understand her excitement about family time and to cancel his work trip, while Connor assumes Monica understands his work stress. Both act on assumptions without discussing them, leading to hurt and anger. Giving up the illusion can free couples to communicate more clearly.

Read at Psychology Today