"When I learned I was HIV positive after getting tested in 2009, I wanted to go to a clinic as far away from where I lived as possible. I felt so much shame, I didn't want to risk running into anyone I knew. Even though the clinic was almost an hour from where I lived without traffic, I got in my car and drove across town. Every time I got blood work or needed to see my medical provider for a regular check-up, I made the same drive."
"What's more, I never really felt like my provider was on my side. Like being in a relationship with someone who tolerates you, but doesn't genuinely have your best interests in mind. My first doctor after I was diagnosed was on my side. She immediately jumped in and told me everything we needed to do to get me treatment and my T-cell count to a healthy level so I could become undetectable."
"But for the past seven years, since my doctor retired, I'd been seeing someone I genuinely didn't think was on my side. She would sometimes hurry me through our appointments or wonder what I was even there for. I've wanted to see a gay male doctor for a long time, but didn't feel comfortable asking. When I was home for the holidays this year, one of the shows my mom and I love is called Nobody Wants This."
"During one of the episodes, the Rabbi, played by Adam Brody, says to his friend, "Be worthy of the relationship you want." I immediately grabbed my phone to write it down in my notes for a book I've been working on for gay men about worth. It helped me realize the relationship I had with my medical provider was unhealthy. I wasn't getting my needs met; we didn't communicate; I felt unsupported, but that wa"
Tolerated relationships can mirror unconscious beliefs about what someone deserves. Early learning to suppress wants and needs can make it difficult to recognize those needs later. A personal experience with HIV care shows how shame can shape choices, including traveling far to avoid being seen. Over time, a provider who seemed not to have the patient’s best interests led to rushed appointments, unclear communication, and a lack of support. A reminder to be worthy of the relationship someone wants prompted recognition of an unhealthy provider relationship. Self-advocacy becomes a practical step toward acting from worth and seeking care that meets needs.
#self-advocacy #worth-and-self-worth #healthcare-and-patient-provider-relationships #hiv-care #shame-and-stigma
Read at Psychology Today
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