"The king looked fed up. His attempts to throw a sickie had come to nothing. Did the government really want to go ahead with the state opening? Apparently it did. Would it be OK if he phoned it in? He fancied a day WFP. Working from palace. It wouldn't. It was a three-line whip. One of the few occasions a monarch was obliged to attend. My lords. Pray be seated, Charles said. He sounded exhausted already. Where was everyone, he wondered."
"The Labour benches had plenty of gaps on them. The chronicle of a death foretold. Over on the Tory side of the Lords, there were fewer tiaras on display than usual. Must be because Claire's Accessories has closed down. But at least he could see Chris Grayling. Always good to see someone being rewarded for abject failure. It's the kind of thing that makes Britain great. Charles sat down and started playing with his hands as everyone waited for Black Rod to go and fetch the MPs."
"A knock on the door of the Commons. Not now, Andy, joked Labour backbencher Torcuil Crichton. Keir Starmer looked worried for a while. He wouldn't have put it past Burnham to have turned up at the worst possible moment. During the short walk to the Lords, Kemi Badenoch tried to engage Keir in conversation. We had some sensational results in the local elections, she said. Starmer smiled wanly. She was as delusional as ever. At least he understood how deep he was in the shit."
"Just behind them, James Cleverly tried some bants with Wes Streeting. Everything OK? Never better Wes ignored Jimmy Dimly. He wasn't in the mood after his 17-minute humiliating brush-off from Keir earlier that morning. Starmer's people skills were a work of art. And he certainly wasn't going to take any lessons in how to run a leadership challenge from a man who was so half-witted, he couldn't even count. Jimmy D had managed to eliminate himself by getting his supporters to lend their votes to Kemi in 2024."
A monarch arrives for the state opening feeling exhausted and frustrated after failed attempts to avoid attendance. Parliament appears unusually empty, with gaps on Labour benches and fewer tiaras on the Tory side. The monarch sits and waits for Black Rod to fetch MPs, while MPs and leaders exchange jokes and strained remarks. Keir Starmer looks worried, and colleagues speculate about possible worst-timing appearances. Kemi Badenoch tries to talk to Starmer about local election results, but he responds with a weak smile. James Cleverly attempts light banter with Wes Streeting, who ignores him after an earlier humiliating dismissal. The monarch begins reading out the government’s message as tensions build.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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