"I found it hard, I really did, Ben Youngs says as he explains why it was once so difficult to embrace his achievement of playing more times for England than any other men's rugby player. Youngs won 127 caps and featured in four World Cups, but he used to look down at the ground whenever his longevity was mentioned. Youngs retired from international rugby at the end of 2023, and played his last game for Leicester in the Premiership final in June, and so he can now give public voice to the trauma he carried for so long."
"While his sister-in-law Tiffany suffered for years with blood cancer, and his brother-in-law Jake endured motor neurone disease, Youngs played for England. He often felt as if he was putting himself ahead of everyone else while his brother and sister lost their partners to terminal illness. Prem Rugby 2025-26: complete club-by-club guide to the season It went on for a very long time, he says, and it's all connected with trying to put on a brave face and play for 80 minutes while everyone forgets and, then, once the game's finished, you're checking in: How is he? How is she?'"
"Why would Youngs look ashamed whenever he was praised? It was definitely the guilt. People are patting you on the back and telling you how great you are. And you're thinking: But I don't feel that.' Ultimately the bit that kept me going was that I had to do it for them. My obligation was: go out, play, let them forget about what's going on for 80 minutes and bring some joy. But you become guilty because on the outside you're suddenly beating Jason Leonard's record [of 114 England Test caps] and it's all smoke and mirrors."
Ben Youngs earned 127 England caps and played in four World Cups before retiring from international rugby at the end of 2023 and finishing his Leicester career in the Premiership final. He carried long-term emotional trauma while close family members endured terminal illnesses: a sister-in-law with blood cancer and a brother-in-law with motor neurone disease. Youngs often felt ashamed when praised and believed his achievements distracted from his family's suffering. He framed his performances as an obligation to give others respite for 80 minutes, but that role created persistent guilt and eventual emotional collapse after a World Cup omission.
Read at www.theguardian.com
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