"I, the creature who once loved mornings the most, can no longer tolerate them. I wake up trembling. Something in my heart feels wrong, like everything else around me. I wrap my head in three blankets, making sure my ears are covered, but before I can even hear myself breathe, the epic morning noise begins. From beyond the blankets: the sound of my younger siblings quarrelling over half a piece of pita bread."
"My mother begins to rebuke them, "You want to embarrass us in the eyes of the neighbours? Everyone's flour is running out; you're the only ones shouting about it." My head is filled with the desire to leave: to escape this cosmic hell by any means necessary, even if leaving means death. My body is tied down, my joints knotted by fear. I remember my grandmother, who used to relieve my fear after every Israeli aggression with a little olive oil and many prayers. Today, my joints are bound tighter than ever, and my grandmother is not here to comfort me."
"The funniest thing of all, and I don't know if it's really funny, is that the fear I'm experiencing isn't a fear of death or annihilation, but rather a fear of life. It's a fear of the phonetics exam I'm taking in the coming days, of my haphazard Italian learning, of my inability to complete anything, of missing opportunities, of falling behind my classmates at university, of the possibility of gaining or losing weight."
A displaced family—mother, the narrator, and four younger siblings—live in a four-by-four-metre tent in Deir al-Balah, Gaza, using the single room for all daily functions. Mornings bring noise, quarrels over scarce food, and rebukes about dwindling flour, which deepen the narrator's agitation. The narrator experiences a paralyzing fear of life: worry about upcoming exams, unstable language learning, unfinished tasks, missed opportunities, and body changes. Physical symptoms include trembling, joint stiffness, and tears beneath blankets. Memories of a grandmother's olive oil and prayers represent a missed source of comfort and calm.
Read at The Walrus
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