"Here is the beginning of an answer. At least for some people, some of the time, loving someone means altering the shape of one's identity to include the beloved. That is, the beloved becomes part of one's identity. Among the many ways one thinks of oneself-as someone with a certain profession, a certain taste in music, or in art-there's also seeing oneself as someone's partner."
"The identity bond can manifest in a number of ways: not only in thinking of oneself as someone's partner, but also in new aspects of oneself that have been developed in relation to the beloved. This is put exquisitely eloquently by Laurie Paul: "I had not realized just how many of the properties that I would have used to describe myself-that I would have thought of as essential to me-were, in fact, the result of my relationship"."
Loving someone can alter a person's identity by incorporating the beloved into the self-concept. The beloved becomes part of how one defines oneself, alongside profession, tastes, or roles. The identity bond can involve thinking of oneself as a partner and developing new traits in relation to the beloved. Many essential-seeming personal properties can result from the relationship rather than preexisting independently. Severing such a bond can feel like being forced to move from a home where one feels at home, producing profound disorientation in heartbreak. The prevalence and influence of gender, culture, or religion on this phenomenon remain open empirical questions.
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