Dr. Bessel van der Kolk writes in 'The Body Keeps the Score' that trauma doesn't just live in our minds - it reshapes how our bodies respond to emotion. Sometimes, when we experience significant loss, our nervous system essentially decides that feeling is too dangerous and shuts down the whole operation.
A remarkable number of very different people tried to express a particular burden to me-a burden they had carried through their lives and felt deeply, but never had the words to express. These folks were not damaged, traumatized, or mentally ill. There was no diagnosis to capture their struggle. And they weren't actually different, or empty, or alone, but they felt this way for a reason.
They arrive on time, think clearly, and care about their clients. Outwardly, everything seems fine. In private, though, things can feel very different. A clinician's depression may not show up as clear despair. More often, it feels like emotional numbness, quietly withdrawing, or slowly losing interest in things that once mattered. Pleasure fades, curiosity lessens, and the work goes on, but it feels heavier and less alive.
I have everything I once believed would make life feel whole: a loving family, dependable friends, financial stability, my own apartment, and a car that starts every morning. My closets hold more clothes and shoes than I need. The fridge is full. These are countless people can only dream of. And yet, I am lonely. Nationwide, that loneliness is not unusual. A from 2022 showed nearly 40% of adults experience moderate to severe loneliness. Proof that material comfort doesn't guarantee emotional connection.
"The thing is," he said, "I can't think about buying a mattress with you because, right now, I can't visualize our future." He explained that while intellectually he knew he loved me, when he looked at me, he felt dead inside. "It's not just you," he added, as if to soften the blow, before explaining that he felt emotionally numb and disconnected from life in general.