Parenting
fromSlate Magazine
3 hours agoMy Adult Son Legally Changed His Last Name. My Husband's Reaction Is Absurd.
A parent cannot control an adult child’s legal name change; acceptance and respect for the child’s autonomy are required.
“The idea that anybody would think that I would just give away my child and be OK with it is heartbreaking.” The actress continued: “It couldn't be further from the truth,” adding: “It became this horrible cycle for years of battling depression and anxiety and alcoholism and substance abuse and just me trying to find my way back.”
Freedom, Harriet tells me, never existed on the horizon for me and my mother. I didn't hope for it. I didn't treat it as the great dream for her and for me. I knew that as long as I knew my mother, I would just know her in that room.
It's easy to get caught up in what we believe we owe our parents. But we shouldn't forget what we owe ourselves, or our children. It's great that your child was able to communicate her discomfort to you. She has let you know that she 'really, really' doesn't want to visit your mom. And now I think she needs you to pay attention to those things.
Nobody tells you this can happen. They warn you about teenage rebellion, about empty nest syndrome, about your kids moving across the country. But nobody warns you that your kids can live in the same town and still feel a thousand miles away. The worst part? I did this. Not on purpose, not all at once, but slowly, over years of being the kind of father I thought I was supposed to be.
Psychologists believe that extremely neat individuals may be attempting to exert control over their environment. When work is overwhelming, relationships are strained, or the world feels unpredictable, that perfectly arranged dishwasher becomes a tiny kingdom where order can reign. It's not really about the dishes—it's about finding one small corner of life where everything goes exactly according to plan.
Living with family as an adult is often framed as a "failure to launch," but navigating grief at home with my mom and younger sister helped me rethink growth. Living at home in my 20s wasn't easy at first, but after my dad died, living together became a lifeline that transformed my understanding of what adulthood truly means.
You didn't just lose a husband-you also folded yourself into his family's grief and stood beside them through their darkest moments. Those ties don't simply disappear because life moves forward. Knowing that firsthand, I want to acknowledge the very human dilemma you are facing. You're balancing loyalty to someone who has been family for a long time with the commitment you are now making to a new partner. These are not simple emotional shifts. They require courage, clarity, empathy, and a whole lot of heart.
It's been a theme in letters I've seen this year-adults complaining that children aren't processing the difficult things they go through in the way the adults want them to. 15 is a really hard age for a lot of kids, let alone for those who've seen two fathers exit their lives (to varying degrees). He's processing a ton of changes in his own life, possibly entering high school, and he shouldn't feel responsible for the feelings of his ex-step-grandparents.
I see nothing positive to be gained by punishing your daughter and your 6- and 8-year-old grandchildren, who have offered viable alternatives, because their father is uncomfortable with your sexual orientation. Let your daughter visit and bring the children. Foster a strong relationship with all of them. If you succeed, your narrow-minded son-in-law may find himself increasingly marginalized.
I care about her deeply, but taking on someone else's debt even someone I love feels like a huge risk. I've worked hard to protect my own credit, and the idea of being on the hook for a car that isn't mine stresses me out. When I tried to express my hesitation, she acted hurt and suggested it meant I didn't trust her. That's not true at all. I'm more than willing
FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Hello, Joseph. Trouble? JOSEPH'S VOICE: Looks like we'll have to send someone down. There are a lot of people asking for help for a man named Larry Carlat. FRANKLIN'S VOICE: Larry Carlat? Yes! Tonight's his crucial night. You're right. We'll have to send someone down immediately. Whose turn is it? JOSEPH'S VOICE: That's why I came to see you, sir. It's that little restaurant manager's turn again.
"If people aren't laughing during my memorial, you've done it wrong," my father told us for years, long before his death. "Funerals are inherently sad; for mine, cut the treacle a bit with humor." He thought a lot about funerals. Growing up, death was a dinner table conversation at our house almost every night, because my dad was an estate planning attorney. He always protected his clients' privacy, but would bring the lessons home: Never fight with your siblings over money.
Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, a clinical psychologist and author of "You, Your Husband, and His Mother" (out on November 4), told Business Insider that, in her nearly 20 years of experience, a common theme has been married couples wanting to build stronger relationships with their extended families. More often, daughters-in-law desired to get along better with their mothers-in-law. Dalgleish said women tend to be in charge of communicating and organizing events on behalf of the family.
On this episode: Lucy Lopez, Elizabeth Newcamp, and Zak Rosen are joined by ICYMI host Kate Lindsay to discuss viral slang like "67" and "41" and what it all means. They unpack the difference between "bro" and "bruh" (it's huge!), why the harmless bit of brain rot might actually be good for kids, and more! Later, they discuss a listener's question: "how do I, a childless aunt, talk to my nieces and nephews without it feeling awkward".